3 Out of 10…

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately…

And trust me, I get it. I have “it all.”

I have an amazing family, beautiful home, success, money, etc.

There’s literally no excuse to sit around and cry, but Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t really a logical thing.

It makes you see in black and white.

Love and hate.

Good and bad.

And it’s been extremely difficult few days combatting my mental illness.

I’m so tired–

So depleted.

I just want to be okay.

The Only Memories I Have from Preschool & Elementary…

Is playing alone on the playground

I vividly remember walking around the grass, singing songs to myself, and hanging from the monkey bars—in hopes that it would help me grow big and tall.

Even at lunch time, I remember being made fun of for the “smell” of my ethnic food.

We had assigned seating, and I remember sitting next to both of my bullies—afraid to eat.

In high school, the loneliness did not go away.

I knew a lot of people, but I was close to very few.

To make things even worse, I began dating a narcissist who slowly—and manipulatively—isolated me from everyone I know.

He wanted my attention to be his—and his only—and he succeeded.

In college is when I finally felt a degree of freedom (not full freedom, but enough) to finally meet new people

I finally knew what it felt like to have a friend group, and even though I had to lie to my ex to hang out with them—

I felt like I fit in for the very first time.

I’m still friends with those girls, for now & forever, God-willing, but they’re the ones who taught me what it felt like to finally feel accepted for who I am

My Daily/Weekly Content Strategy

I’ve been doing fairly well on social media this year.

On TikTok, I have 670k+ followers

On Instagram, I have 80k+ followers

And I’m finally focusing on my blog traffic as well.

Here’s my content strategy for the end of the year:

3-6 TikTok videos per day

1 Reel per day

3+ IG stories per day

1 blog post per day

1 Quora post per day

1-10 Pinterest pins per day (beginning Nov)

1 YouTube video / podcast per week (beginning Jan)

Who Inspires me the Most?

My father immigrated to the US from Pakistan during college & began to attend school at the University of Houston.

He later graduated with a degree in mechanical engineering, but right as he graduated, the economy collapsed and he was unable to find a job in his field.

He began to sell insurance—but he was the only person of color in his company, and this led to conflict with his co-workers.

He was let go, so he ended up starting his own insurance company.

At the time, all he had enough money for was a phone and one month’s rent…

He had a wife and baby (me) that were dependent on him, and I remember growing up in his office.

Well, from that single office unit selling insurance—my dad has built a multi-million empire of various companies.

When faced with a challenge, he does not give up.

He’s extremely creative and is constantly coming up with new business ideas.

Even in his 60s, he hustles harder than almost everyone else I know…

And every single day, it is my father who inspires me to be the best I can.

My Greatest Realization During my Aunt’s Battle with COVID

My aunt was recently able to get off the ventilator, which is EXTREMELY exciting news for my family, but there’s a long way to go still for her to heal and come home…

We are so grateful for good that she was successfully extubated.

There came a point where all of us were extremely worried and were mentally preparing for the worst, but God is good. I believe fully that He will help bring her home, inshAllah…

During the emotional roller coaster that’s been the last two weeks, I saw our family come together in a way I’d never seen before.

All of our family members began praying daily, updating each other, leaned on each other for support, organized charity in my aunt’s name, and more.

My cousin’s husband, even though not related to my aunt by blood, stayed by my aunt’s side at the hospital despite the risk of getting COVID with two young children at home (allowed in Pakistan).

I have the utmost respect for him…

And I realized, even though our family is all on different continents, and I get extremely busy from time to time…

These are the people who would be there for me God forbid something ever happen.

And I’m going to be a lot more proactive about calling and visiting my relatives.

Once my aunt comes home inshAllah, I can’t wait to go to Pakistan again and see everyone–and show Lily the land where she is from.

A Major Life Update…

I honestly didn’t think this day would come so soon

Today, we passed over the keys of the business I began 8 years ago to a new owner…

And said goodbye to the students & staff of the school that has been my home for nearly a decade

I’ve been ready for this—but when it happened, I wasn’t prepared for how emotional it would be to walk away

And to know I wasn’t coming back.

I’ll share more about what lies next for me, and why we made this decision, but for now I’m taking a moment to pause and take a deep breath before moving forward

Bismillah

I Need Help…

I’m usually an open book, but there’s one thing I haven’t talked about yet…

It’s not because I’m ashamed or worried about what people might think

It’s because I genuinely don’t understand what is going on or why, so I hope that by talking about this publicly, I might be able to get some answers:

I sometimes feel like I’m someone else

Like literally–an identity that is entirely different than my own

I’m a Pakistani-American Muslim girl that lives in Texas, has a toddler, and is happily. married, but often, I’ll experience intense flashes of someone else’s life, which will last sometimes a few seconds to a few hours:

An extremely introverted teenage boy (caucasian) who lives with an alcoholic / abusive single father 

A different gender. A different race. A different family dynamic.

We literally don’t have any similarities, yet from time to time, It’ll be like I’m seeing through his eyes. I’m experiencing something even though I’m not there…

I know this sounds crazy, and maybe that’s just it.

Maybe I’m literally insane, but there has to be a better explanation than that.

Who is he?

I don’t believe in past lives, but it sure as hell feels like one. 

I’ve been seeing these flashes of his life since high school–so intensely in fact that I wrote an entire book based on his character

I used to think it was just a character I made up in my head, but it feels like so much more. It feels like I am him–but I’m also me. It’s hard to explain.

Is he even real? 

I don’t know, and so far, my therapist doesn’t have a solid explanation for this either.

But it’s something we are going to explore deeper next time we talk.