Category: Motherhood

I began to shout uncontrollably as soon as my baby was born.

I praised God loudly, over and over again, because I’d spent the last 9 months terrified I wouldn’t make it to this moment.

Before pregnancy, I had severe anxiety and panic attacks, but I stopped taking my medications when my husband and I decided to try to start a family.

The medications weren’t safe while pregnant, but weaning off of them was a nightmare.

I remember shaking, crying nonstop, and the exhaustion that came from quitting my medication cold turkey (which is not recommended — btw)

It all paid off, however, when I found out I was pregnant one month later.

I’d been so anxious about whether I’d be able to conceive or not, but the moment I found out I was pregnant, a new fear crept in:

What if something happened to the baby?

I could not shake this thought no matter how hard I tried, and my husband will tell you, I spent day and night googling all my symptoms and terrified about any and every potential hazard that could possibly hurt my unborn child.

One symptom, in particular, became worrisome: the itching

At first, I thought my stomach, arms, and feet itching was normal. My body was growing rapidly. I assumed it was “growing pains,” but eventually, it began to feel like there were fire ants on my body.

I googled my symptoms, which my OBGYN told me to quit doing, but I came across a condition called choleostasis of pregnancy, which is a liver disease.

I asked my doctor for a blood test, but despite the severe itching, the blood test came back normal.

My doctor would’ve left it at that, but in my gut, I knew something was wrong.

I asked for another test two weeks later, and sure enough, it came back positive for choleostasis.

One of the risks of choleostasis is stillbirth, especially as the pregnancy progresses.

I was 36 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed, so the day I hit 37 weeks, I was induced.

As difficult as pregnancy had been, I found labor to be easy, especially with an epidural.

I felt safe at the hospital, and the moment my daughter was born, adrenaline gave way to relief.

I praised God loudly for my biggest blessing, and three years later, I’m still praising Him for my biggest blessing: a happy, healthy daughter named Lily

Don’t let this photo fool you.

Pregnancy was anything BUT glamorous for me, and even though my daughter is my whole entire life, it is an experience that I’m not likely to repeat…

Let me explain

When I was 27, I had a vivid dream that I was holding a curly-haired baby girl, and in my heart and soul, I knew I would have a baby soon.

At that time, we hadn’t discussed it, but my husband would be thirty soon, and I convinced him that we should begin family planning…

I was never on any birth control (s/o to the my husband’s pull out game), so we began trying.

Two months later, I was pregnant

To mitigate any risk to the baby, I stopped taking my anti-depressants—including Zoloft and Xanax.

These medications are essential for my health, and being off of them (along with the hormonal roller coaster ride that is pregnancy) made me extremely anxious.

Every single day I was convinced something bad was going to happen to the baby.

I think deep down, I felt like it was too good to be true—too miraculous to be real—and I was extremely anxious.

This began to change when I could feel the baby’s kicks…

That became the best part of pregnancy for me. Her kicks were my reassurance that she was okay, and my God was she active!

Soon after that, though, I was diagnosed with Choleostasis.

My pregnancy became high risk, and my nerves were back to an ALL TIME high.

I did not relax until I was in the hospital room, induced, and about to give birth.

That’s finally when I felt I could breathe, because I knew I was in good hands…

And when they put my daughter on my chest…

Well, that was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.